Shakey Jake: The Prince of Alaxan

"THE PRINCE OF ALAXAN": Part 1

Jake drove up to the school gates in his van, decorated with psychedelic artwork. He was starting to regret agreeing to give a talk on the technology of modern archaeology to the sixth form in return for a donation to his favourite charity; the Cambridge Tree-Planting Trust. As he drove through the gates a gaggle of urchins in tatty uniforms laughed and swore, throwing stones at the van. Entering the school, he was introduced to Mr Weaver, the headmaster by a receptionist. "Pleased to meet you Mr Reynolds. Would you like a coffee?" Mr Weaver asked. "Hey man, like call me Jake. No Mr Reynolds man, I don't dig that kind of formality. Its cool to be here" Jake replied, pulling out a roll up. "We don't allow smoking on the premesis, er Jake" Mr Weaver exclaimed. "Hey thats a real drag man. You need to loosen up *nudging Mr Weaver* its real hot stuff this." "Er no thanks. Now let me get you a coffee instead."

A short time later, Mr Weaver took Jake to the sixth form lecture theatre where the archaeology students were assembled. As they walked in, a group of long-haired lads were throwing paper at each other while a gaggle of emo girls fiddled with their mobiles in the corner. "Now settle down please. This is Jake who is here to give what I'm sure will be a most informative talk to you all about the modern technological advances inherent in archaeological data gathering." Two boys in the front row yawned and one muttered 'tosser' under his breath. Jake began his talk: "Hey like I really dig being here with you groovy cats today. Yeah this reminds me of when I was in the sixth form, listening to Dylan in the common room." One of the boys scowls: "Get on with it you hippie ¤¤¤¤". "Or ¤¤¤¤ off back to Woodstock, wanker" another adds. Another lad on the back row lets rip a massive belch to the amusement of the others. "Well I think he's gorgeous" a girl pipes up. The others laugh at her. Jake tries to win over the lads on the front row by handing out some flapjack; "Hey cats, like try some of this. Theres plenty more where this comes from if you cool it *winks*". One of them smells it and grins.

As Jake meanders his way through the talk, deviating for twenty minutes to discuss the lyrical ideas in Bob Dylan's 'Blonde on Blonde' album, one of the boys in the back row suddenly stands up and his eyes glow with a strange transluscent blue: "You have had contact with Alaxan Sissean metal. You are a threat to me". With one wave of his hand, the boy renders the rest of the people in the room motionless, save for Jake. The boy's eyes glow brighter and a beam of light shoots out and hits Jake's head........

THE PRINCE OF ALAXAN": Part 2

Jake is placed in a trance by the eerie green beam of light and he follows the boy who leads him out of the lecture hall and through the corridors of the school. All around are the motionless figures of pupils and teachers, who are in a suspended state. The boy leads Jake out of the school towards a quiet area of the yard, beside some old wheelie bins. He then releases Jake from the beam of light. Jake staggers and holds onto a bin: "Hey man what gives. That was really heavy ¤¤¤¤" Jake mumbles. "Silence. You will speak only when I indicate that you can. Or I will intensify the beam and kill you where you stand. I am Tostan, the Prince of Alaxan and heir to the sacred throne of the sapphire citadel! A year ago Alaxan was attacked by the hoards of the inter-galactic Cassan Empire. I was forced to flee to this planet while my father was captured and his ministers eliminated. My ship selected this world for me to hide on until such a time as it is safe to return. Who are you? Are you an agent of the Cassan or their collaborators sent to kill me?" Jake shakes his head: "Hey this is some really heavy trip you're on kid. Bad acid?" Tostan frowns: "You speak in riddles. Who are you? Speak or die!" "Hey kid, loosen up. I'm Jake. Here, have some flapjack". Tostan knocks the flapjack out of Jake's hand: "What is your connection with Alaxan technology?" Tostan asks. Jake senses that the boy may be telling the truth: "Hey kid. Like suppose you are an alien. Like wow. I get to use all sorts of alien artefacts left on this planet by crashing spacecraft and the like. I work for the Operation Delta dudes who look after that stuff now the Torchwood dudes are defunct."

Tostan looks bemused: "You could be lying. If so I will kill you here then use my energy beam to animate your corpse and have it walk back into the lecture hall and collapse as I revive the others. It will look like a heart attack. However I will probe your mind first." Another beam of light shoots from the boy's eyes and into Jake's head. He cringes in agony. The beam stops. "You are telling the truth". "Hey kid, you must get bullied a lot here man. You being an uptight alien with issues" Jake says sympathetically. Tostan frowns: "Silence. We will now return to the lecture room where I will wipe your memory of this. You will retain no memory of it."

Later, Jake finishes the lecture, as the students throw paper at each other and text with their mobiles. There is a smattering of clapping. "Hey thanks you cats. Hope you enjoy the rest of your course". The students groan and one throws a cup of water at him. Mr Weaver intervenes: "Now don't do that Joe, it isn't nice. Please go back to your classrooms." Jake feels a little faint and isn't sure why. He felt as if he knew something but couldn't remember it. Returning to his van, he noticed a strange boy staring at him. "These kids are really uptight. Not like in my day" he muttered to himself before driving away.

THE END